Christmas season is in full swing and this year has been especially hard, so we could all do with some extra holiday cheer. And a few good orgasms.
From ad campaigns to ancient times, there are plenty of reasons why your Santa kink actually isn’t weird at all. This is a wildly horny time of year and always has been (with the exception of some extra intense Christian oppression – classic!). How many stories revolve around kissing someone under the mistletoe?
The language of Christmas plays right into BDSM scenes: gifts, mistletoe, milk and cookies, the unwrapping of presents, the crack of a whip, the ringing of bells; it’s all so much fun to play with! The more you look for it, the more it seems that maybe there is something about this time of year that affects some deeply ancient part of our brains and sends the signal that it’s time for sex.
Before there was Christmas, the Romans celebrated Saturnalia. It was a debaucherous time, not unlike some office Christmas parties of today. They feasted, they drank, they made merry – but they also cross-dressed and took part in full-on orgies. Not your typical office party…probably.
The affair lasted a whole week and they even went as far as to free their slaves during Saturnalia. They showed off this freedom by wearing pointy hats (perhaps a bit like the party hats we wear for birthdays today?). These slaves were then free to partake in the same festivities as their masters (imagine if those of us stuck in minimum-wage jobs were suddenly invited to dine with the uber-rich and partake in their orgies). There was even a Lord of Misrule – a mock king – who would make chaotic demands and whatever they said was law for the evening.
Overall, the Roman version of Christmas sounded pretty fun, but near the North Pole seems to have really had a wild time.
Drinking Piss and Tripping Balls
The Koryaks are a group of people indigenous to an area to the far east of Russia. Their winter solstice practices parallel much of our Christmas traditions, but they seem to all revolve around magic mushrooms.
Mushrooms tend to grow in the shade of trees, so this may be the origin of the custom of having presents under the Christmas tree. Hanging stockings (or boots) by the fire to be filled with gifts could easily be a euphemism for drying your magic mushrooms. The red and white colours we associate with this holiday reflect the amanita muscaria, a specific kind of magic mushroom that the Koryak shamans would consume in order to experience their psychedelic trips.
Sometimes shamans would eat the mushrooms directly, but not always. They learned that when the reindeer ate the mushrooms, the reindeer were totally fine and the added processing meant that drinking their pee gave you all the good hallucinogenic vibes but no toxic effects. Getting high off drinking pee was actually just a safer way to do it.
While that sounds super kinky (and hey, if you’re into piss drinking and/or bestiality kinks, this could be a fun role play), it was actually a much more spiritual experience. These shamans would use mushroom pee to traverse the cosmos and return with guidance and wisdom for the community.
Wife Swapping and Pole-Jumping
In the Central Arctic, the winter solstice (also known as Quviasukvik) was a time for harpooning a sea goddess followed by feasting and cross-dressing and then having a good old wife swap. Many Inuit communities practiced wife-swapping, and we know this because the Christian colonizers were so horrified (or excited?) that they had to write about it.
Meanwhile, in ancient Mesoamerican festivities that celebrate the birthday of Huitzilopochtli, the more daring partiers participate in a tradition called palo volador. They tie a rope around their waists and jump off a very tall pole (up to 100ft high!). While this probably wasn’t explicitly related to sex, you can see how this might give rise to some rope fetishes. So, you can add rope play to your Christmas kinks list, if it wasn’t there already.
De-sexualization of Winter Solstice
When Christianity took hold of the world, it did so with a decidedly nonsexual Christmas story.
Mary was a virgin and Christianity was pretty insistent that her child, the Lord, and savior, was absolutely NOT the product of sex.
As we know, in the centuries of Christian dominance that followed, sexuality was suppressed and stigmatized heavily.
But suppressing a basic and fairly essential part of most people’s lives will inevitably have some side effects. Suppression tends to have an amplification effect, and if you’re not allowed to have sex, that urge gets amplified and displaced to somewhere else. Rather than sex being a star attraction of our winter festivities, that pent-up horniness migrated to all sorts of other targets. These targets became our dirty little secrets.
What kinks and fetishes came out of suppressing sexuality at this time of year?
Well, probably a lot more than we have space for here, but let’s talk about the major ones.
Santa has been sexualized in popular songs like “Santa Baby” and “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” but seeing Santa as a sexual still manages to raise some eyebrows.
The Yorkdale Mall made news way back in 2015 with their Sexy Fashion Santa campaign, inspired by a fit older man who grew out his beard and wore designer clothes. At the time, plenty of people were outraged by the idea of sexualizing this beloved family-friendly figure.
But they weren’t the only ones to embrace Santa as a sexual being. Two years ago, the Norwegian Postal Service made a short film featuring Santa Claus who falls in love with a middle-aged man. It’s a beautiful film and you should check it out right now!
These Santas have been modified from tradition to be a bit more (or a lot more) in line with conventional attractiveness, but even without those changes, there are plenty who can’t wait for Santa to give them his package.
Santa is an older man who sees everything you do, the good and the bad – such a voyeur. He sees you for who you are, so winning his approval means so much more than impressing some superficial fuckboy. Plus, he’s way more representative of the average guy than models and celebrities so he feels more relatable and familiar.
Whether you’ve been good or bad, getting presents or punishment, Santa is the ultimate Daddy-dom. He’s whimsical, ethereal, and well-traveled.
Don’t you want to give him all your milk and cookies?
A few years ago there was that sexy Grinch photoshoot that generated a lot of buzz and echoed through the holidays ever since. This year, the Colombian influencer, Yina Calderon, shocked TikTok with a very gender-bending sexy Grinch costume complete with some dancing and lip-syncing. I have to say, the combination of a scraggly, green neckbeard and extremely round and prominent green boobs is nothing short of mesmerizing.
If you think more about it’s actually not all that weird. He’s a certified freak who wouldn’t so much as flinch if you asked him to dom you. He doesn’t have a model body and he doesn’t give a shit.
His confidence is impressive, and confidence is key. But the thing I personally think is the sexiest quality is that he actually changed himself for the better and expanded his capacity for love. Not a lot of guys can check that box.
The thing I love about the elf kink is that elves aren’t especially gendered. Anyone can be an elf. Anyone can be Santa or the Grinch, too, but it’s seen as daringly gender-bending to be female-coded as those two. Elves are just elves and they can come in a wide variety of styles.
Elves aren’t really human, and they’re pretty weird little freaks, so embodying an elf could be a really liberating experience. You might ask for things in bed that you otherwise wouldn’t and that hardworking energy can be awfully appealing. Don’t you want an elf to work on your toy?
It’s true, there are sexy reindeer on PornHub. Cute little antlers and makeup, maybe a furry garment or two. Like a bunny or a horse, but more festive!
This kink, like other animal play, encourages you to focus on body language rather than talking. It’s an invitation to connect on an energetic/vibes-based level. Run your hands along that furry body and feel its softness. Marvel at the magnificent beast before you.
Reindeer may not be the first thing that comes to mind when you think about a sexy Christmas, but it’s definitely worth exploring. It’s a little less obvious than the other options and honestly, it’s adorable. Plus, if you’re playing Santa, you can always crack that whip!
So, This Is Christmas
If you can find some joy this holiday season, share it.
If you’re finding it difficult, maybe some fantasy will help. Lose yourself in pleasure, have a few orgasms, revel in silliness, laugh, and refresh yourself so you can keep going through next year.
Merry Christmas to all, and to all, a good, hot sweaty, orgasmic night!