The consensus among professionals on the internet, for good reason, is that similarities, not differences, are what bring couples together. We know that compatible core values are essential to long-term success, and we often meet and connect with people who share our interests.
Yet, most of us have been attracted to someone who is completely unlike ourselves. The popular jock falling for the social outcast. The meticulously tidy person falling for the messy creative. Someone from one side of the world falling for someone from the opposite side of the world. It happens often. So, what’s going on there? Why might we be drawn to our opposites?
There are infinite relationship styles and experiences. They’re not all meant to last, but that doesn’t mean that they’re without value. When we come face to face with someone who is opposite to ourselves, many things can be triggered. Let’s break it down and explore why we love differences and what we can learn from the experience.
Our biology needs differences
When we see someone that is different from us, it literally excites us. Novelty boosts our dopamine levels, helping us to remember, learn and feel good. Our brains seek and reward us for finding it. We need novelty in our lives. Some people are more excited by novelty than others, but we all benefit from it.
Safety is key here because novelty can also be interpreted as danger. Building a strong foundation of safety within an opposite-pairing relationship is all the more important to calm our nerves so we can explore fearlessly. When safety is there, AND novelty, your brain lights right up!
But it’s more than just brain patterns. Our noses detect each other’s pheromones, which carry information about biological compatibility. When someone’s immune system is opposite to our own, there’s a biological advantage to combining DNA. This translates to actual attraction as well. One study found that women were most attracted to the sweat of someone whose immune system was different from their own. So from a biochemical perspective, opposites definitely attract.
Loving who you want to be
A shy person sees a star performer and falls in love with the ease and grace with which they express themselves in front of hundreds of people. A desk jockey falls for the discipline and enthusiasm of a gymnast. When we are lacking something within ourselves, we often seek out those who have it in abundance.
Appreciating and loving someone for things we wish we had can be inspiring, intoxicating, and in some ways liberating. You get to taste a little of what it’s like to have the thing you desire. This can be a useful stepping stone along the path to bringing it into your own life.
To bring something into our lives, it helps to know what it feels like. What it looks like. What it actually takes. Dating someone who has what we want can help us navigate our own path towards it. However, if the desired trait is something you can’t actually be or have, clinging to it might cause more pain than joy in the long run. A reminder of how you measure up (or don’t) to an unrealistic standard. But if you can appreciate the difference without self-pity, there you will find love.
“I can change you!”
Seeing someone who embodies everything we are not can frustrate us. Sometimes that anger becomes a fiery passion. Maybe they annoy us with how they are different. Maybe we see their differences as flaws that we can change.
Trying to change others is a classic pitfall of relationships. I love you, but I would love you more if you were healthier, more organised, and less stressed. Sound familiar? Sometimes we fall for people who are an ideal partner, except for one or two things that you’re sure you can change. But the change isn’t up to you.
We can’t make someone change, but so often we are convinced that we can. Certainly, if someone wants to change, and they receive support from their partner in making that change, it can make a world of difference. But it has to come from them.
My weird, little freak
One of the dark sides to “falling in love” with someone who is opposite to you is when it’s rooted in a form of dehumanising fetishisation. When you see someone as a quirky possession that makes you more interesting, or like your latest hobby, this clearly will not be good for the relationship.
This tends to happen with people who choose safety and security in life, and then they date someone who dared to follow their heart. It also happens when someone with societal privilege dates someone with considerably less. Or someone who checks all the ‘normal’ boxes, going for a wild and strange person. And it can go both ways.
But often this happens. We are trained in many ways to dehumanise others who are different. We also romanticise loving across social divides. If we try to love across these divides without checking our conditioning, we can really harm each other. Often this harm is done completely unintentionally, or even with good intentions. But it still hurts.
Loving your shadow
It seems that everyone these days uses the term ‘shadow self’ when referring to traits we find difficult to accept within ourselves. Maybe we’re suppressing anger, fear, selfishness, or cowardice. Maybe we would secretly love to gossip, or mess with people for fun, or any other number of unsavoury things. But we’d never act on it…right?
Then, you see someone who does. They do all the things you suppress within yourself, and they get away with it! Maybe they even succeed because of it. When we see someone embracing parts of ourselves that are trying to get out, it can speak to us and help us dare to embrace them within ourselves. It gives us the courage to explore those sides of our psyches.
Maybe you’ve always done what was “right”, but not what was right for you. Maybe what’s right for you now involves trying out things you had seen as “bad”. Exploring a taboo can powerfully change your relationship to it. Suppressing it when you deeply want to explore it, can make things worse. It can be easier to give yourself permission to explore something when you’re dating someone who is already doing it. Sometimes we fall for someone in order to gain permission — permission to love what we’ve been warned to never be.
Curiosity and learning
Maybe one of the best foundations for connecting with one’s opposite is in order to learn. There is much to be gained from getting to know someone who is very different from us. Each one of us has a unique experience of life, shaped by the bodies we were given and the influences we’ve had. If we can communicate in a way that shows each other our perspectives, then we can really expand our understanding of life.
Truth has many faces. It takes some detective work to get to the bottom of things. Like a good detective, the more witnesses you talk to, the closer you get to understanding what actually happened. Every perspective holds its own truth, and together they form the ultimate truth. When we learn the truth of those who have opposite perspectives and experiences, we are taking a big leap towards that truth.
Curiosity is a wonderful starting point. When we can follow it without judgment, that’s when we really grow. It’s very natural to be curious about differences. It’s worth exploring. You won’t know what you’ll find out until you do, and when you do, you’ll grow from it.
Collective liberation and the difficult work of loving
When you look at all the different spiritual paths, you mostly find that enlightenment is all about love. It is to embody love and to give it freely to all, however it is appropriate. We live in a world where violence has ruled for many generations, and in complicated ways. Learning to love each other is one of the greatest and most challenging skills we can develop. Choosing to do so with your opposite presents big challenges and big gains. It’s like jumping straight to the final boss.
Loving those who are different from us gives us hope. It shows us that we can unite, no matter our differences. There are so many ways in which we are being divided. We like to break down divisions that keep us imprisoned or isolated from each other. We see a division, and some part of us wants to cross it.
If we want to live in a world where we’re all getting along and being nice to each other, we have to learn to love each other. Part of that work is about learning the struggles we’ve each faced and bringing justice to all. It’s a big task ahead of us, but love is a great motivator.
Love will overcome
Remember — we write our own stories, and intention changes a lot. If you are united in purpose, together you can tackle oppressions that have caused harm for centuries. You can lead your own movement or join an existing one. Often ,we start with one and expand to others, recognising the similarity and underlying connections between each struggle.
Whether our differences are superficial or deeply embedded, there is so much to be learned from sharing experiences, perspectives and love with those who are opposite to ourselves. Doing so with respect and love has the potential to change the world.