She’s a real sweetheart. She’s in leather (drool)! She’s hot… literally. She’s a red-skinned tiefling barbarian named Karlach, a central character in the massively popular game, Baldur’s Gate 3.
Baldur’s Gate 3 is arguably one of the best games of the last decade. While it’s only been out for a few months, it has eclipsed other popular games of the cRPG genre, and for good reasons! It’s phenomenal. It feels completely immersive in a way I had never anticipated a video game to be capable of.
Something I’ve noticed after spending a fair amount of time online reading through r/BG3 and seeing the endless shirtless fanart? Well, BG3 fans can be kind of horny. Like, real real horny.
Like, from my unscientific and completely anecdotal survey of Baldur’s Gate 3 players, here are two types of players: the fantasy fans who want to explore every inch of Faerûn, and those horny players who want to explore every inch of the beefcake that is Halsin.
Halsin isn’t the only eligible single, either. There are 8 romanceable characters for you to woo, and For this article, I’ll be exploring the main cast of delectable characters and the toys I’d recommend people try.
Warning! Before you venture forth, there might be some slight spoilers for Act 1, but I promise to limit them to only what you’ve probably read online already.
Karlarch is our tiefling barbarian who’s spent the last decade fighting for devils in Avernus. Not only is she tall, beautiful and strong enough to punt me into the Astral Plane like a lawn gnome, but she’s one of the sweetest characters you encounter on the Sword Coast.
I tried to think of the hottest piece of equipment I own: the Aslan leather harness in cherry red. Just look at that strap-on! It’s glorious and powerful, much like Karlach. I chose the beautiful cherry red leather as it reminds me the most of our barbarian babe’s complexion, and I included the Tantus Magma dildo (for obvious reasons).
For an added level of realism, pair these with Monster Cocks’ devil tail butt plug and let your barbian freak fly. Karlach would be proud.
Safety tip: Karlach is unable to touch anyone due to her fiery condition, so oven mitts would be the smartest safe sex barrier to use.
Shadowheart is the enigmatic cleric, and is technically the resident goth girlfriend of the party. As a follower of Shar, the sadistic goddess of darkness, Shadowheart vowed to spread Shar’s dark influence by corrupting and converting all those who follow her nemesis; Shar’s twin sister and goddess of the moon, Selune.
So, really look at the Selene Goddess of the Moon dildo I picked. Did I really have a choice in this recommendation? It almost feels too perfect. Even the design of the chains around the shaft of Uberrime’s Selene Goddess of the Moon dildo even matches the chains around Shadowhearts’s iconic hairstyle!
Plus, I think a follower of Shar would find it more than appropriate to possibly humiliate Selunites by using their holy relic for a hot (and evil) romp.
Lae’zel is our noble and fierce Githyanki fighter, dedicated to her life goal of becoming a knight for her undying queen. While her appearance might not be your cup of tea, do not hesitate in romancing her. In a cast of truly complex characters, she is arguably the one with the most growth and change… and kink.
She is a freak, and I love it! Lae’zel has this insatiable primal quality to how she flirts (and fucks). She literally wants to bite, scratch, and claw you into submission, or be dominated by you once you’ve proven your worth and holy hells, that’s hot.
So for someone who seeks out intense pain and sensations like Lae’zel, I’d recommend a silicone tawse from Tantus. Out of all the impact tools available, this might be one of the more intense so rookies beware! Alternatively, if you have the strength, The Alien Lady from Fleshlight could be your prize!
Are you brave enough to submit to the pain, or are you able to show your dominance and bring your partner to the brink?
Wyll is a human warlock with arguably the most “prince charming” of the romanceable companions. As the famed Blade of Frontiers, he’s the dashing and daring folk hero who obliterates evil, even going into the literal Hells to hunt his foes down.
However, there’s something darker lurking around the edges of Wyll. Will you get our devilish heartthrob to reveal what ails him?
My recommendation is a sinfully decadent collar and leash set. As a warlock, Wyll has signed a contract and is bound to a strong magical patron. If that sounds like nerd babble to you, just imagine someone signed their soul to the devil in return for great power. Wyll is essentially in the ultimate 24/7 submissive and dominant dynamic with someone who lets him shoot fire from his fingertips.
Gale is the famous Wizard of Waterdeep, a magical prodigy so incredible at the arcane that he attracted the attention (and companionship!) of a magical deity. Besides his charms, however, Gale keeps a dark secret beyond just an insatiable hunger for magic. Is he really all that he seems?
He’s so incredibly captivating that I couldn’t help falling for him and his comedic timing. He doesn’t even flirt with you outright, Gale actually tries to woo you by talking about an erotic manual he’s reading! If you do fall for his romantic allure, he conjures a bed in the middle of the forest for your night of passion under the stars.
(It was a critical success for me.)
Up in his lavish wizard’s tower, Gale appreciates comfort. The Liberator Wedge totally fits with his overall vibe! Not only is it practical to make sex as comfortable as possible, but Gale can also lay on it while reading a copy of the book, Urban Tantra.
Astarion: The Internet’s Favorite Pretty Boy Rogue
The foppish rogue is such an incredibly popular character right now, that it can be a bit intimidating to bring him up without foaming at the mouth. In a cast of absolutely incredible voice actors who all deserve recognition for their work, actor Neil Newborn has stolen the hearts of gamers everywhere with his performance as Astarion.
So Astarion is the cheeky high-elf rogue who cuts his enemies down with daggers and a passive-aggressive comments. He’s kind of like Oscar Wilde, if Oscar Wilde was a pale elf with a revenge fantasy, a dubious moral compass, and the best hair this side of the Sword Coast.
All jokes aside, Astarion’s personal journey is one of the best-written stories I’ve had the pleasure to experience, and romancing him is a huge part of fully experiencing it. While there’s a plethora of vampire-themed sex toys, my heart said that a vampire-themed massage candle would be a perfect way to help this 200-year-old pretty boy to relax.
If you’re looking for something less chaste, I’d recommend either Tantus’ Vamp dildo (in shimmering pearl, of course) or Monster Cock’s Blood Sucker. Sure, the mouth is wearing red lipstick but Astarion seems like a guy who wouldn’t mind wearing a beautiful blood-red shade once in a while.
Minthara is a complex character in Baldur’s Gate 3. She begins purely as a general and is a part of a cult you infiltrate. As a drow paladin, she was once dedicated to the demon queen Lolth, but abandoned her goddess to join the cult.
She’s cold and calculating, but strangely, also extremely hilarious, and has moments of deep sincere connection with her closest. I didn’t expect to love her as much as I have, but she’s definitely one of the top-tier companions for me!
So for someone as sophisticated as Minthara, I have to recommend the Njoy Eleven wand. Is it pricey? Absolutely. Is it so heavy that it might be technically considered a weapon? Yes. But it is a beautiful and powerful tool and not to be trifled with. That’s essentially Minthara’s whole vibe!
(Plus I’m pretty sure Minthara would approve of a sex toy that could moonlight as an impromptu mace, if needed.)
Towering over your party, Halsin is the head druid of the Emerald Grove and an absolute beast of an elf. His biceps are like someone stuffed a pair of nylon tights with coconuts, he’s a beefcake!
Halsin is also a warm reassuring presence in your camp, but if you ask the right questions and make the first move, you’ll discover a very different Halsin. He’ll sleep with you, or if you’re already paired up, he’ll invite them to join in as well. (I call him the “horny hippie” due to his interest in, well, anyone in your party.)
For his eco-sexual druidic ways, I first want to recommend a rose quartz crystal massager from Chakrubs. It’s made out of all-natural stone for an all-natural elf!
I initially was going to recommend The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy, since he’s all about the free-love polyamorous life. However, upon further consideration, I’m going to recommend a book that won Canada’s Governor General Literary Award, Bear by Marian Engel about a researcher who falls in love with a bear.
Let me guess, within the first five minutes of the game you chose to give the Mindflayer a kiss and died? Yeah, well, listen pervert: this one’s for you. (Joking, I love you. If you didn’t exist we wouldn’t have tentacle hentai.)
So the entire premise of Baldur’s Gate 3 hinges on the very first 30 seconds: you are infected with a Mindflayer tadpole and are doomed to explode into a mind flayer. You need to remove the tadpole or else. With that in mind, I’m obviously going with an ovipositor toy like the Tentacle Ovipositor from Uncover Creations. I really wanted to emulate the reproductive ability of the Mindflayer (a crucial element of the story), and I think that for all you thralls out there… being an incubator for an alien spawn was likely the important part too.
Now, what if you want to jam your body parts into that Mindflayer squid beak? Well, who am I to stop you? You can find your bliss in a tentacle stroker from Uncover Creations, makers of quality tentacle-themed toys. If you’re a fan of realism and abhor these blasphemous toys, Uncover Creations has the most exquisite silicone tentacles grinding toys as well.
Just don’t forget your matching tadpole cock ring courtesy of Creature Cocks!