Your Prayers (and DMs) Have Been Answered!
Your phone receives a message, and you know just from the sound that it’s Grindr. The handsome bear you’ve been making moves on has finally replied and seems down with actually hooking up. (Hold up, did that older businessman look at his phone too? Interesting…)
And HarryBear420 is typing another message! You eagerly wait for those three dots to stop their seductive dance, and for his message to be in your inbox. You wait some more and wonder if it would be rude to get back to your endless Reddit scrolling.
Finally, a message. Sweet sweet release.
“Hey,” he messages, “I just want you to know, if we’re going to do this (eggplant emoji, peach emoji), you should know that I’m a trans man.”
Oh. That’s cool! That’s… cool? Whoops.
I mean, you’ve identified as “queer” since you were a teen. Queer as a “yes please” way, rather than an “exclusively cis men” way, so this should be fine. Still, the nerves start to creep in and you feel yourself feeling more anxious. You want to hook up, but you’re just nervous. You still want his hot body all over yours but you’ve never hooked up with a trans person before.
It’ll be fine. It should be fine. Right?
You notice your fingers start to hesitate when messaging back. Oh no, has anxiety set in fully? Gulp.
Never fear! It’s me, Zack Zoetic! Your Trans Agony Uncle, here to walk you through a 101 guide to hooking up with a trans cutie, and not making a massive ass out of yourself.
Remember, every trans person is different so these are just some basic rules! Someone might prefer something different, so if they tell you what they prefer, honor that request. Debating someone’s preferences in order to protect your own ego is bad form, especially when your words are slightly muffled from your mouth being pressed against another person’s body.
DON’T say, “Oh it’s okay that you’re trans, I’m bisexual/pansexual!”
DO say “I don’t have a genital preference” or just simply “Ok! Cool!”
When someone might have genitals associated with one specific gender, it seems like a good idea to mention that you’re also into that gender, right? Bzz, wrong!
Sure, you mean to say “I have no genital preferences, everything is good for me!” but it comes out more as a confirmation that you don’t actually really see them as a man or a woman.
If you have genital preferences, share those but try to be respectful about it. This person doesn’t owe you sex, and they likely have a small group of cuties ready to jump at the chance to sleep with them. Don’t act like you’re doing them a favor, you’re not!
DON’T say, “Oh well, can I see a picture of your [insert genitals] then? Just in case?”
DO say, “I find you super hot, are you comfortable sharing a nude?”
What are you, asking them for references for a job interview? You get what you get! If you hook up with someone and their junk doesn’t look the same as the artistic nude they sent you, either accept that we’re all human and different or stop. Sure people have preferences, but don’t make someone feel bad for how their genitals look, especially if they don’t look like what you aesthetically prefer.
Also, never ask someone for nudes in order to verify their genitals are to your liking. Ask only because you actively want and are sweating to see them in the buff. That’s just common courtesy!
DON’T just say, “Oh yeah, I love your pussy/dick/cock!”
DO say, “Can I ask what you prefer your bits being called?”
Trans folks wander through the world being constantly bombarded with people hoisting words on us that we don’t like or connect to. Go to the doctor, and there’s a big chance that they’ll refer to your sex assigned at birth at least once. Or stars forbid that you live in a place where you cannot change your gender marker.
So when people are finally able to let their guard (and pants) down, having someone use a word you find less than sexy and dysphoria inducing can be a bummer. It can be really off-putting for some trans people to have their bits and bobs called something like “vagina” or “penis” if those words make them feel uncomfortable. Those words might be too medical or remind them of the gender binary too much and totally ruin the mood.
Before things get hot and sweaty, and while you’re both still grinding during foreplay, ask them if they have any words they prefer for what’s between their legs. Chances are, they will!
Then use those words! (Unless you’re gagged, then just moan like the good slut you are <3.)
If you need some recommendations, terms like “girl dick” “clit” “clitty” or more masculinizing terms like “front hole”, “dick” or “t-dick” can be a place to start.
DON’T say nothing, then grab or shove fingers into an orifice.
DO instead, ask “Can I touch you here? Are you comfortable with this?”
This seems like a no-brainer, but don’t assume that someone is comfortable with being penetrated just because they have a front hole.
They might be super into it, but having fingers sprung upon them (or into them) without any warning can be majorly jarring, no matter how steamy it’s getting! In addition, if they’re someone on testosterone, they might have some tightness or atrophy. This can cause the skin and internal parts to be much more delicate, so even a little speed can cause severe pain.
And for the love of vibes, if you’re hooking up with someone with a dick, don’t assume that they want to be the penetrator either!
DON’T assume they want their genitals stimulated in a stereotypical way!
DO instead, always treat their bits like anyone of their gender (cis, trans or otherwise).
Speaking as a trans man, having my partner go down on me in a way that’s similar to how run-of-the-mill blowjob goes is incredibly gender euphoria-inducing. There’s something about someone making the sounds of a typical blowjob, or seeing their head bob up and down that just anchors me into my body. It makes me feel present and powerful!
Usually, if you’re a little concerned with what technique you should use from your Big Book of Sex Moves, go for the ones you’d use with cis people of the same gender. Don’t suck someone clit like a dick if they’re a trans woman (unless they ask for it of course).
DON’T make fun of their gender-affirming tools or toys!
DO instead, suggest activities you’re more comfortable with!
I once had a person ask me how I could top as a trans man. Easily, I replied, I have a closet of dicks. (It’s true.)
“Yeah,” he typed back, “But I don’t like being fucked by plastic. Do you?”
If someone decides to keep on their bra and their breast forms or uses a prosthetic penis during sex it’s because they feel their best and sexiest with those things. If that doesn’t work for you, well… again, you don’t have to continue having sex with them! It might sound really odd to suggest, but you can tell them that. If you’re willing, suggest alternatives or simply explain that you enjoyed it thus far but would prefer to end the hookup here.
Just… don’t knock down someone’s expression of gender. That’s too rough, even for a kink hookup.
These have been just some basic guidelines for sleeping with a trans person, and as I’ve said before, everyone is different! Some trans folks don’t have issues with someone touching their chest or having certain words used for their genitals. It’s still best to err on the side of caution, especially for your first hookup. You’ve spent days (or hours) working up the sexy vibes between you and this hottie, you don’t want to have it all come crashing down by carelessly hurting their feelings.
If you still don’t feel confident, that’s okay. Sex is a messy, indulgent process and requires intense honesty and communication. If you’re not prepared to make mistakes and sincerely apologize for them without your ego crying out, you’re not ready to have sex with anyone!
And for goodness sake, please don’t try to wow us with your trans knowledge unless we’re asking. We get it, you watched Disclosure and were crowned Mrs. Trans Ally 2019 by Twitter. But if we’re boinking… I only want to give you a gold star for that cool tongue trick you can do, not your trans allyship.
To my fellow trans darlings, if you find yourself hooking up with someone who’s really good at sexing but really bad at “getting it”?
Stay kind and queer.