My friends and I recently played a game with predictive text.
If you’ve been a Luddite your whole life and yet are internet-savvy enough to be reading this, when you’re using your phone to text, your phone will offer suggestions for your next word based on familiar patterns and phrases, or words you’ve recently used. This is called predictive text. There are many games out there where it gives you the first part to text and then you take the predictive text suggestions until it’s funny.
In this incarnation of the game, we typed in, “My favorite sex position is” and all of the answers were fantastic. They immediately gave us the giggles and conjured up all sorts of ideas. Please enjoy the following sex positions responsibly.
The Vaccine Hotline
It’s been over a year of COVID and the topic of vaccines seems to be on everyone’s tongue. Whether it’s Pfizer, Johnson & Johnson, Moderna, or AstraZeneca, we all want sweet relief from the constant fear of contracting the virus. The more people who receive vaccinations, the sooner we can all get to having orgies again.
You want to call the vaccine hotline. You need to call the vaccine hotline. Plenty of other singles in your area JUST LIKE YOU are waiting on that hotline! The vaccine hotline is what stands between you and a safer life, and you want to sweet talk that phone’s pants off.
To get into position, your dick-wielding partner should lie on their back, dick pointing up. Bonus points if there’s a bend. The partner getting ready to call The Vaccine Hotline should rest their ear in the soft, cushy pubic hair with their mouth towards the “receiver” aka dick.
From here, they can open their mouth and rotate their head in such a way as to glide up and down that phone. It may be necessary to cradle your receiver in your hands like a 1950s housewife listening to the latest hot goss.
Sweet talk that hotline as long as you want! Really use that silver tongue of yours to convince the person on the line that your life is worth saving. And when they finally decide to give you that injection, you’ll want to take every last drop!
Speaking of injections, you can’t get vaccinated without a nurse! Better ask that nurse to give it to you right away! Only your nurse really knows how to stick it in just right.
No longer simply a slutty role play costume, the pandemic has launched nurses into the realm of superheroism. Nurses are efficient, thorough, and compassionate. They will hold your hand and keep you alive.
For those who are into BDSM, the nurse can be the most nurturing of dom(me)s. They have your best interests at heart and won’t hesitate to crack the whip if need be. They’ve seen every bodily excretion on everything and aren’t surprised by anything your weird little body comes up with so you can just relax.
In The Nurse position, the patient lies down on their back, naked and vulnerable, and bends their knees together to hold on to whatever dignity they had left. You were pretty sure you just needed to have an exposed arm for this vaccine, but with all the new information swimming around these days, who can keep up? They just told you to strip down and who are you to question the nurse? A doctor? Yeah, I didn’t think so.
Then, the nurse takes your knees and pushes your entire lower half to the side to get full access to your butt. And just as you think you’re getting on your butt cheek, this injection goes a little south.
The Nurse remains standing and uses their appendage (detachable or otherwise) to penetrate either the vagina or anus. The use of these medical terms is encouraged. This position requires care and precision to do it just right. Fortunately, this position allows for full eye contact. The patient will see The Nurse towering over them in a nurturing way and they, in turn, will see their patient’s every reaction as their appendage glides into position.
The Right of the Right
So, you’re lying in bed with your throuple side-by-side, when your partner to the right of the one on your right gives you the eye. Now, the partner to your right may not be the most observant and may miss these loving glances, and if being ignored drives them wild, this is the perfect tactic!
Slide your hand across the partner on your right, over to the partner to the right of the right, and begin sliding your hand across their body. Give them your full attention and let your sub in the middle be encapsulated by the energy between you.
Before long, you may be raising the heat and provoking audible gasps and moans. You may even start to grind yourself on the partner on the right’s leg. But remember: it’s the right for the partner on the right to tell you what they think is right. Consent is sexy! Fight for the rights of the rights and right-of-rights!
Make no mistake, this is as much for the person to the right as it is for the one to the right of the right! Because while you’re grinding and pleasing the partner to the right of the right, the one on your right is wrapped in your arm and feeling all of your sexual energy while having it all withheld from them, which just so happens to be their kink. In fact, withholding attention can be a very powerful aphrodisiac for many people. So, drive your partner wild by pleasuring around them as if they barely existed.
Oh, you know….it *wink*
Let’s face it, you haven’t spoken to another human in way too long. How long has it been? Hours? Minutes? Days? Months?
When did you last articulate a complete thought to another human being? What makes you think you’re going to be able to explain an entire sex position? This sex position is best demonstrated. Our communication skills may have tanked over the course of this year, but this right here? This is it.
You know what it is. You want it, you dream of it. It is the one thing on your mind, and you need it. So, let’s do it.
If you’ve completely forgotten how to communicate verbally or non-verbally about sex, you can reference my previous articles about those topics here and here. One great suggestion is to imagine it in great detail and practice communicating what you want in your mind.
Once you have a clear idea of what it is and how you’ll ask for it, all there is left to do is get 3 more covid tests and consider doing it remotely.
Go get it!
The New Tenant
New tenants are everywhere these days! Be it shifts in pandemic bubbles as you realize you hate spending 100% of your time sharing living space with certain roommates or moving out to the country to get the fuck out of the useless cityscapes we’ve been wasting away in, there are a plethora of reasons to move these days.
It’s no wonder predictive text thought this was a hot new sex move my friend was recently getting involved in. It sounds sexy. It suggests novelty, surprise, and fun! Who will this new tenant be and how will we get along? I don’t know how to feel about it except aroused.
Now, any new tenant is going to have a little extra trouble unlocking the door for the first time. You stand there, key in hand, jiggling it around the lock and feeling your way around till you get that smooth slide into place. We all know you can’t rush this process. You just have to learn how to approach it. In your fumbling, you might even suddenly drop your key. You tease!
You may have been doing this all along in your sex life, without even realizing it! The new tenant is all about taking whatever penetration tool you’re using and gently just jiggling it around until it slides into place like a new key. If you’ve got some extra juice flowing through said tool, it’s always a good idea to spread it around a little. Circle that dick around a bit, and get that pussy or bussy wet!
How Predictive Are These Texts??
It’s a pandemic and we all need a little extra help getting through it. Have some fun. Play some games. If your relationship(s)’s been holding steady, I hope these positions can encourage you to try something new. If you’re living alone, I hope they give you something to look forward to. If nothing else, I hope this article gave you a chuckle. We all could use one these days.
Have you tried it for yourself yet? What’s your favorite sex position?