13 Veteran Sex Toy Reviewers are aboard a plane to the sex toy convention of the century.
Being a week-long event, everyone has packed their favorite toys to survive the hours spent stuck in hotels, far from their homes and loved ones.
Suddenly, mid-flight, things take a turn for the worst and the plane plummets and crashes in the ocean in close proximity to an island.
Like some sort of sexy miracle, all the reviewers survive. But they must make haste since the plane is now slowly sinking underwater. Short on time and space for supplies, the stranded bloggers can only save 3 sex toys out of their beloved collection before the plane is nothing but a fancy life-size aquarium decoration.
Thankfully, they also manage to scavenge a solar-powered power bank off of some poor soul’s luggage before making their way to the neighboring island. ( Hey, I had to justify their access to power somehow! )
These are the 3 toys each reviewer would save and why.
While small in stature, the Palm Power doesn’t lack in strong, rumbly vibration. It is light and compact, offers a wide range of intensities, rechargeable and decently affordable. While on the higher settings, the vibrations are almost exclusively in the head and not the handle, making it more comfortable to hold for longer periods of time without your arm going numb, unlike many of the larger wands.
If I could only have one impact toy, this would be it! Weal & Breech’s truncheon is amazingly versatile, depending on how you wield it – it can range from stingy to thuddy, from warm up to main event, and everywhere in between. The shaft and the handle are differently textured, increasing the versatility if you use both, and it can leave some really pretty marks if you’re into that.
No review yet, but stay tuned!
Joque by Spareparts
Once adjusted to fit, the Joque stays in the right place regardless of how you move; no more adjusting the straps with each position! With thick bands for comfort and a 30″ adjustable hip band, it is great for sharing between partners, and the jock style allows for you to keep the harness (and your packer or dildo) on while you receive penetration, something I find very validating on days when gender is hard.
The Eroscillator Top Deluxe is probably my most-used vibrator; it’s always within arms’ reach of me when I’m in bed, plugged in and ready to go. The oscillations feel deeper and more satisfying than most vibrations, the “fingertip” attachment is soft and squishy against my sensitive clit, and the toy – however ugly – fits between bodies effortlessly during sex.
The Njoy Eleven is my desert-island dildo. It can hit my G-spot and A-spot with equal aplomb, and it has two different ends for two different vaginal moods. (Or anal moods. You do you.) It would also make a great impromptu weapon if I had to fight off some kind of predator on the island, just sayin’.
Finally, I just couldn’t live without the Magic Wand Rechargeable. Its rumbly, dependable vibrations make it an indispensable item in my collection, not just for sexual purposes but also for those days when I’ve been hunched over my laptop working on a sex toy review for hours and need some muscular relief!
“A cordless version of the legendary powerhouse — my favorite quick orgasm tool.
A triumphant upgrade from the classic Magic Wand, widely regarded as the most powerful vibrator of all time, the Magic Wand Rechargeable is a hefty workhorse of a vibrator loved by those with all sorts of genitals. It plays an essential role in my life as a lightning-fast orgasm inducer and finisher during longer sessions. If I’m feeling lazy and just want to surround my vulva with intense vibrations, there’s nothing I’d rather use.
This beast of epic vibrational proportions has a broad head and large body, great for covering a lot of surface area with a lot of oomph. The handle doesn’t vibrate my hand nearly at all, I can use it while plugged in if the charge is depleted, and its vibrations are sure to get me off in even the toughest situations. OH, AND IT LASTS 4.5 HOURS ON A SINGLE CHARGE. Just strap it to my body forever.”
“Buck is one of my favorite VixSkin dildos yet. I’m talking top three material.
After much testing and many orgasms that I didn’t mean to have quite so quickly, I have “discovered” something that simply looking at the fucking toy would tell you (I’m dense sometimes): Buck’s head is gradual. It ramps up to itself, rather than suddenly jutting out into the world. This, I believe, is what makes this dildo so good. Smooth-ass G-spotting. […]
Why would you buy a shitty, toxic, “ultra-realistic” material when you can have this? The mind, it boggles. Every vagina deserves a VixSkin dildo. “
“Versatile as fuck, with a shape that fits between the labia like a dream.
“Obsessed” may be a word that describes how I feel about the Mona 2. It’s so good I own three of them. This vibrator is deceptively simple-looking, but it succeeds precisely because it gets everything right: it’s rechargeable, strong, waterproof, and its shape feels awesome both internally and externally. Best of all, its wide range of vibration intensities suit my genitals’ any mood: from a gentle tickle to a damn powerful finish.
My favorite way to use the Mona is clitorally; its handle helps me reach my clit easily, especially during sex. It also reaches my G-spot, pressing up into it with the same ridge that fits so nicely between my labia. With an impressive play time of 2.5 hours, the LELO Mona 2 is a well-rounded vibrator I reach for again and again.”
This toy should be a staple in every man’s collection. It’s the original male masturbator, and still one of the best. Whether you want to use it for a fancy handjob, or thrust into it for that sex-like experience, it’s got you covered. The soft comfortable material provides a natural sensation, and with dozens of textures to pick from you’re guaranteed to find one which blows your mind.
When it comes to prostate stimulation the Loki Wave does it all. It has deep rumbly vibrations which penetrate deep into the prostate, an assortment of power levels and vibration patterns to suit every taste, and a unique mechanical action which will physically massage the gland. It’s not just a prostate toy either, as you can equally enjoy those strong vibrations on other parts of your body.
There’s gotta be a dildo on the list somewhere, the hard part is choosing only one. The Johnny combines the realistic look of a beautiful design, with the realistic feel of two layers of soft dual-density silicone. It also fits into that Goldilocks zone of dildo size, where it’s easy enough to use every day, but still provides enough of that fullness you crave. Don’t forget that prostate-hitting curve either.
First up, the famous Hitachi Magic Wand, or as it’s now been stupidly renamed, the Magic Wand Original. This baby has served me well since the day it arrived on my doorstep back in 2011. The deep and rumbly vibrations are strong enough to get me off in just under 3 minutes. The cushioned head is beyond comfortable. Even when drunk it does what it’s supposed to. Sure, after a few libations it might take a tad longer than normal, but it never failed me and that’s what matters. Honestly, I don’t know what I would do without it. It’s my end all, be all. If you grab a sex toy this year, make it the Magic Wand. It might be a little strong at first, but that’s nothing a layer of clothing or soft towel can’t fix.
The We-Vibe Touch was another I loved until it died, though its sad death went the same as my Lelo Ina, at the murderous jaws of a teething puppy (rather than due to my overuse and carelessness). Like my Pocket Rocket, I debated buying a replacement, trying to find reasons I should hold off on spending the big bucks on such a thing… then I remembered how it felt in my hand, so comfortable, so light, so sleek, with little to no cramping of the wrist and a silicone coating that was easy to grasp. And the vibrations, those lovely deep vibrations. If good orgasms were going to be a thing of my future I needed another Touch. And so it was, my Touch was replaced and I haven’t looked back since. No regrets.
When it comes to targeted g-spot stimulation nothing compares to the Lelo Ella. The curved but flattened head makes it perfect for applying direct pressure, and when gently rocked or thrust, hooks behind the g-spot adding another level of sensation and satisfaction. More than that it’s lightweight; for many, this won’t matter, but as someone that suffers from Carpal Tunnel Syndrome, it’s the difference between pleasure and unnecessary pain (if I didn’t have issues with my wrists this spot would be dedicated to the Njoy Pure Wand). It’s crafted from body safe silicone, is neither too big nor too small, and has a handle that can be turned around and used as a basic dildo. Genius. On top of all that, Ella is the only other toy I can count on to make me squirt. Need I say more?
Not only is the Doxy Die Cast an incredible clit stim for me but it can be used for anyone regardless of gender. The vibrations are incredible and I could use it to iron out any aches and pains I could possibly get whilst being on a desert island. It could also come in handy as a weapon should I encounter any conflict. It’s pretty damn heavy! I would miss my Doxy if I was stranded on a desert island so by far this has to be number one for me.
Another huge favourite of mine, this mimics the stimulation I like to use during manual masturbation. The side to side oscillation is something I just haven’t been able to get from any other toy. I admit it kind of looks like an electric toothbrush but looks can be deceiving and every time I reach for the Eroscillator it has never let me down. The various heads offer different sensations so I could also have variety even though it would be one toy.
If I had to pick just one dildo to take with me this would be it! The dual density feels incredibly lifelike, I love how the Buck both looks and feels whenever I just need penetration, The Buck’s squish/ firm core is pretty close to the feel of a real penis. Of all the Dual Density dildos I own the Buck is the most realistic feeling. I’ve had this dildo for years and I fall in love with it every single time I use it! It never fails to satisfy my need to be filled.
With its deep, rumbly vibrations and pinpoint stimulation, the We-Vibe Tango continually helps me beat my orgasm records. It’s small, pinpoint, and hella rumbly, and it’d be horrible to not have it near my side in an emergency. Plus, with its pointy tip, on a deserted island, it could double as the end of a spear…
The Doxy Die Cast (in glittery red, of course) must be the prettiest wand vibrator ever to grace this earth. Sparkly red titanium body and a body safe head… it’s heavenly. Most importantly, the Doxy Die Cast provides fantastic pleasure. On the low settings, the vibrations are a determined purr. On the high settings, the vibrations strongly reverberate through your whole vulva and pubic bone. These are strong. And of course, on a deserted island, the long corded end could double up as a defensive whip.
The Njoy Pure Wand is the queen of G-spot sex toys. Big, heavy, and shiny, it’s one of the most effective G-spot toys I’ve come across, and there’s no way I could give that up. Plus, the club-like body would be great for cracking into coconuts on a tropical island.
I was psyched when I got these soft silicone dildos (they come in 5″ and 8″ sizes). I’d been looking for a softly realistic silicone toy with a good suction cup for a while, and the ColourSoft dildos fit the bill perfectly! Since then they’ve always been in my regular rotation. The large ridges and super-stimulating veiny texture make me happy—though if you’re not a fan of all the raised veins, I strongly recommend the Naked Addiction Dual Density Silicone Dildo instead.
This is hands-down my top recommendation, to anyone anywhere, for a G-spot vibrator. The look is cute—Swarovski crystal control button and all—but it’s the motor that really makes Sassy stand out. It’s rumbly through and through, even as you move toward the higher vibe intensities. Plus I love being able to stop at just the speed I want: Sassy has no preset speeds or patterns. The bulbous head is great for G-spot pressure, but also for the kind of broad-ish clitoral stim that I most enjoy!
I love thrusting toys, and the Stronic Real is self-propelled! And (mostly) hands-free too! Fun Factory engineering is top-notch, and the Stronic Real pulsates back and forth like crazy. The short, rapid motion gives a subtle, drawn-out buildup that makes me feel like I’m floating. It’s so good, it’s hard to describe! I’m a fan of the Stronic Real’s semi-realistic head and ridge, but the Stronic G offers the same technology in a super G-spotty form.
As far as I’m concerned, this counts as one thing: a dildo and harness are rarely separated. It’s so hard to decide which favorites of all time to choose — it’d be like picking which Beatles song is the best. They have different properties for different uses. These are standard, go-to, good for most things. Yes, the Maverick is a little big, and I would recommend something a little smaller (like the Mustang or Leo) for a one-size-fits-all dildo. But this one was my first perfect dick, so it’s my top pick.
Pumping every day is said to help create more size of a person’s clit, and I can vouch for that. But, more than that, it creates a sensation of a clit being engulfed and when the clitoral hood moves, it is just delicious. Highly recommend. Make sure you get a good pump!
If there is such a thing as the perfect butt plug, this is it. The flared base is narrower than usual, making it sit between the ass cheeks much more comfortably than other plugs, and the shape of the plug internally makes it pop into place and snugly fit inside. Easy to clean, since it’s medical-grade silicone, and can come with or without a little added vibrator.
I would include the Magic Wand Rechargeable and the Pure Wand by Njoy on this list, but I know those are pretty common desert island toys for the experts. But they are the best for a reason! The Magic Wand? I think everyone should have one, regardless of their kind of body. The rechargeable is convenient, though it didn’t need all those different vibration patterns. The corded version is a bit stronger, but if you haven’t used a wand-style vibrator before, you may be surprised how powerful they already are. I think of it as the grandmother of vibrators. Oh and also it’s good for sore muscles — apparently, you can use it as a massager? Who knew?
And the Pure Wand … perfect curve, perfect ball on the end, perfect fit. So good for internal massage. There’s such a difference between an insertable toy with girth and a toy that aims for the stimulation of the clit from the inside! This is, of course, the latter, and it does its job flawlessly.
Super Smash Cache
The Njoy Eleven is basically a badass bludgeon— 3 pounds of stainless steel and two girthy ends to choose from. The big end (2″ wide) is the bomb for G-spot stimulation and the “small” (1.75″ wide) end effortlessly finesses my cervix during deep penetration. Lana Del Rey must have been thinking about the Njoy Eleven when she wrote, “I’m crying while I’m coming.”
The Night King’s curve also melts me into a puddle of heart-eyes emojis. It’s just firm enough to comfortably press against my cervix but still bash against it to my heart’s content. The wibbling, wobbling waves rock my G-spot and front wall, making it my go-to when I need something “extra”.
As for the Zalo Desire Thruster, it thrusts back-and-forth by itself instead of vibrating. And I love lazy masturbation! The Fun Factory Stronics (which use the same mechanism) are more intense and have longer thrusts, BUT they aren’t as quiet. And the Desire has a pointy tip, making it MUCH more fun for me to use externally. The linear auto-thrusting against my clit is thuddier and more high-amplitude than conventional vibrations. So if I had to have only one powered toy, the Desire would be it.
Cy’s full review is coming soon!
Your Heavenly Body
Njoy Pfun Plug
This is easily my favorite butt plug, and I don’t even have a prostate (the “P” in Pfun). It’s gorgeous, expertly designed, and it’s my favorite way to add some extra oomph to a self-love sesh with my clit vibes. Njoy, indeed.
The Mimi Soft is the MVP of my toy collection, no contest. I’m obsessed with its versatile, comfortable shape and very rumbly vibes. Its simplicity inspires so much creativity! Plus the battery life is incredible.
No dildo collection is complete without a piece from New York Toy Collective. For me, their classic Shilo is their shining achievement. It’s firm yet squishy, and holds a bend, which, combined with its dramatic head, makes for incredible g/p-spotting powers. And it comes in amazing colors!
No review yet, but stay tuned!
First of all, I’d like to give a big warm thank you to everyone for participating.
These fine folks are at the frontlines of sex toy world, putting their bits on the line for their readers, all while promoting sex positivity and safe practices. So needless to say that it really was a pleasure working with each one of them.
What we learned from this little experiment is that some toys truly are king:
The Magic Wand Rechargeable ( with 4 mentions )
Vixskin Dildos ( with 4 mentions )
Pure Wand ( with 3 mentions )
And with more than one mention, following closely behind are the Njoy Eleven, Njoy Pure Plug, Eroscillator, and Doxy Die Cast.
I’m honestly not that surprised about the results. But it sure was interesting to see these veteran sex toy reviewers boil their entire collection down to 3 toys. Especially when considering the hundreds of toys they’ve collectively reviewed.
What about you, what toys would you save if you were part of this doomed flight?