The last decade has seen a rise in non-monogamous representation, and to some, it seems like it’s become the new norm.
Humans have always explored this style of living to some degree, though religious influences have often shamed them for it (or worse). Today, non-monogamy is still very much the minority, estimated at around 5-6% of relationships, but many more have at least dipped their toes in that water. Yet both monogamists and non-monogamists seem to believe their own style to be superior in some way.
I used to be one of them. I didn’t think it was “natural” to practice monogamy. I thought that it was solely a result of sexual repression, domination, and control. Monogamy certainly can be weaponised that way, and has been historically, but the idea of choosing to commit oneself to exploring sex and romance with just one person isn’t worse. Nor is it better.
But it is different.
The scope of relationships
Monogamy and non-monogamy have been positioned as antagonists in the war for moral superiority. For a very long time, it has been a battle, pitting one against the other, with the assumption that one must be better than the other. Left-wing vs right-wing. Traditionalists vs Experimentalists. Monogamists are portrayed as both morally superior and sexually repressed. Non-monogamists being both blasphemous and sexually liberated.
One might categorise relationship choices as a continuum of how many players are involved. On one side, we have people who either have no desire to engage in sex or romance, or who choose not to — even with themselves. Theoretically, on the other side, there would be someone who shares sex and romance with all humans. That isn’t a possible reality with over 8 billion people. Not with these limited life spans. But we definitely have some examples of humans who have tried, like Bonnie Blue or Wilt Chamberlain.
The majority of humans today are closer to the sex with no one than sex with everyone part of the spectrum, and most are using the serial monogamy model of relationships. However, many feel that choice is one associated with great sacrifice. And it is. But every choice is a sacrifice as much as it is a gift.
Humans be humaning all of the time
In any situation where there is a strict dichotomy that requires full commitment to a side, we begin to wonder if the other side is better. The appeal of the unknown. We also begin to mistrust the other side. The fear of the unknown. Oftentimes, it isn’t until we taste the fruit of the other tree that we finally realise that the difference was less extreme than we might have thought. As if the very existence of separation magnifies perceived differences.
Whether monogamous or not, we’re all still human. We still fall prey to the same insecurities, fears, and judgments. We still worry we’re not lovable in some way, or that others will leave or get bored. We still get bored with our partners and get attracted to others. We still blame our partners for our own failings, or for things we have the power to change ourselves. We still break our agreements to each other.
But we also all have the same capacity to learn and grow from our close relationships. We can learn to outgrow codependence. We can work on our self-love and learn to be better, more supportive partners. We can learn to speak up for what we want and to share our insecurities with others. We can learn to be held in our vulnerability, as well as learn to hold others. We can learn how to repair relationships.
The circumstances for growth just look different.
Cheaters be cheating
Cheating happens in open relationships, just as it does in closed ones; it’s just defined a bit differently. Every relationship has its own relationship agreements. Violation of those agreements is cheating. In monogamy, the relationship agreement is often implied and might include a range of behaviours from sex to kissing to even flirting. In open relationships, the agreements are often explicitly agreed upon, and yet people still break those agreements.
When attraction happens, it’s because it’s fulfilling some sort of need or desire. Hiding your feelings and/or behaviours around attraction usually stems from knowing that the desired action would be vetoed by their partner, or hurtful to even bring up. Or perhaps it speaks to desires that the cheating partner has trouble even admitting.
We can universally agree that cheating causes harm. If your partner finds out, it harms your partner. If they don’t, it harms you knowing that you’re lying to someone you love. It’s kind of a lose-lose situation, but sometimes the consequences are forgotten about, dismissed or minimised enough to make it an appealing option.
A for Attitude
As with everything in life, how you do something is immensely important. There’s no monopoly on being a bad partner. It happens across the board. We are all traumatised humans in a broken world trying to love each other. What a beautiful thing that is. How daring. How courageous. I love it.
We will fail, over and over, until we learn, lesson by lesson, how to love more fully. This is what it is to be human. We try to mimic what we’ve seen others do, and then we learn it’s harder than we thought. Difficult emotions come up, often in unexpected ways, and we do our best to make it through. Sometimes all we can do is survive our unending disasters, never having the space to reflect and change. Other times, we are blessed with the ability to take time and space to figure things out.
Through it all, intention matters. It’s not all that matters, but it does matter. Adopting a growth mindset is one of the best things you can do for yourself. That means that every failure offers an opportunity to learn and grow, rather than being evidence of your goodness or badness.
The growth of monogamy
When you choose to share your sexual and romantic energy entirely with one person, and only one person, you will face challenges differently than if you shared that energy with more people. With one partner, you can build and deepen the trust within your relationship to create a safe haven from which to explore and expand. However, it can also make it much harder to change and integrate those changes into your life if your partner clings to the person you’ve been and not the one you’ve become.
In monogamy, there is an opportunity to grow and develop and have a consistent witness to these growths and developments. There will be times when your growth outpaces your partner’s or vice versa. This can lead to either holding yourself back and planting the seeds of resentment or outgrowing your partner. To stay together, you might take on different roles, offering more ways to grow as a person and a partner.
Ideally, monogamy allows you to explore every facet of your being with someone who is also free to do so. However, out of fear, what often happens is that we get scared to change. We worry we will lose the love we’ve created if we change. Losing attraction for one another is very possible, and therefore, change is risky. But we pretty universally need change in our lives, though perhaps at different paces. Embracing that change is essential to maintaining fulfilling relationships.
The growth of non-monogamy
On the more liberal end of the ENM spectrum, the consistent relationship you end up building is mostly with yourself. You build relationships with others, too, but they don’t end up seeing every part of you; sharing every experience. Instead, each person, by virtue of their unique personality and energy, brings out different parts of you. This makes it easier to awaken and access the different parts of you. You also end up integrating changes more easily into your life.
The danger here is compartmentalisation. Living a fragmented life where you explore different aspects of yourself with different people means that few, if any, see ALL of you. When you think about this on the level of the oneness of reality, the compartmentalisation doesn’t feel so fragmented. But it can be extra challenging if you’re still clinging to the romantic paradigm of a singular, complete love with another person.
Instead of building a deep bond with one person, your bond spreads out. Rather than spreading your love to the world from an overflowing cup fed by two streams, your love is a part of the world, and you’re all in the same cup.
Comparison isn’t the answer
Part of the trouble with comparing monogamy to ENM is that there are so many more variations of ENM than variations of monogamy. If your version is a little polycule of close bonds, the dynamic is more similar to monogamy, just with more personalities at play. By contrast, if you’re single, poly, or practicing relationship anarchy and freely loving many people in unique ways, then your attachment to any one partner is often held more gently. In a way, you end up falling in love with the whole world and growing your trust primarily in yourself and the universe.
The more lovers you bring into your life, the more opportunities for chaos, and that can be good or bad. Either way, you have infinite opportunities to learn a lot about yourself. The key seems to reside in recognising and facing challenges head-on, as they come, and releasing the fear of change.
Whatever you choose, remember that we are all coming from long lines of hurt but also of hope. Try to stay connected to your compassion and lead with love.