The Kinkster’s Guide To Surviving a Threesome

Have things been a little quiet for you lately? After taking a long break from dating, have your nights seemed a little colder? 

Face it: you’re touch starved, and because of that, you’ve made an executive decision.

A couple of your friends have talked about having a threesome, and it seems like you’re invited. It might be friends who are a hot couple, or it might be some people you’ve always been flirty with but never had the guts to ask anyone out. 

Whatever the case may be, it’s happening. So after months of being deprived of sanity and the warm embrace of another human being, what do you do? How the heck do you even begin to plan for this?

That’s where I come in.

Hi, Zack Zoetic, local and internationally recognized Trans Agony Uncle. Have I mentioned I’m polyamorous?

The funny thing about being polyamorous is that most people will ask you and assume that you’re sleeping with everyone you’re dating all together like a giant erotic snuggle pile. That’s a great exaggeration and a misunderstanding that the polyamorous community has been working hard to clear up.

But… truth be told, in some cases and for some people, it’s totally true! For this reason alone, I feel confident that I can help you feel a little more comfortable in your decision to embark on a new type of horizontal square dance.

Be Picky

No, I didn’t say be judgemental. Before any fun times get going, be mindful of your potential partners. Is this someone you find hot? Do you feel like this person has been respectful of your boundaries in the past, or have they failed to meet that basic standard for friendship? 

Or maybe you’re looking for a third person to join you and your girlfriend. If that’s the case, please do not be a unicorn hunter.

There’s an entire website devoted to why you shouldn’t commit the crime of being a unicorn hunter! It makes people feel used, and it’s obvious to 99.9% of the people you invite that they’re being treated like a new toy.

In addition to that, consider the relationship dynamics. Sure, your ex is still the main feature in your solo-sessions, but if you still harbor feelings for them… really consider if seeing them passionately fuck you, followed by their new FWB is going to cause you some psychological pain.

The only psychological pain you should be feeling must be consensual or at the very least just a little bit of embarrassment from your overly nosey landlord commenting on the noise levels.

Threesomes4everyone.com

Sadly that’s not a real working website.

So where do you find partners who are willing and able to join in on your master plan of having a sexy fun time trio going?

Your best bet would be to begin online!

There’s plenty of apps that, while not being intended, definitely are open to people looking for a three-way. It could be that you’re in a couple who just wants to open up your Friday night to a hot single in your area, or maybe you’re a solo person who’s looking for two other single people for a mid-afternoon romp. Whatever the configuration, websites like OkCupid, and Tinder are definitely your first stop.

dating sites for threesomes

If you and your steady partner decide to have one account, be clear with the people you talk to. Make your profile picture something that includes both of you, and make sure the interested third party knows who’s talking!

If you’re specifically looking for a third person for some more kinky activities, check out Fetlife. Almost every major city has its own local message board on the site, so post an advertisement there and start talking to prospective kinksters.

You might prefer something a little more local than online, and if you have a regular or occasional FWB you can ask them if there’s anyone else they also hook up with. Maybe that person would be interested in adding a little bit of you to the mix? Who knows!

Communication Nation

A lot of the suggestions for a healthy, fun, and sexy threesome adventure are identical to the suggestions given for a healthy two-person romp. Communication isn’t just sexy, it’s necessary and required!

Some questions to ask yourself and your partners:

  • What are you comfortable doing?
  • Does anyone have bad sexual experiences they need to avoid?
  • Does anyone have any health concerns? 
  • Does anyone have limited mobility or stiff joints that need to be manipulated carefully?
  • Are there any limits with regard to alcohol and other drugs? 
  • What will be the safe sex protocol for everyone? Will you be changing the condoms with every partner, or will people wear an internal condom?

Planning Isn’t Only For Nerds

Look, I get it. Sometimes these things can just spring up on you, like a sweltering heatwave in February. Though, if you can, make sure everyone has time to prepare for this.

Write a list down of supplies to have. Does anyone have preferences for lube? Any latex allergies? Does someone absolutely need to have a certain type of music playing? Jot those preferences down! Are there days or weeks on the calendar that wouldn’t work for people?

Pretend you’re planning a surprise party for your genitals. Would you just expect that it’ll be a quick and natural jump into the sack? Well, maybe, if you’re lucky. (If so, go buy a lottery ticket, you’ve found the golden ticket in this story!) For most people, these things require some preparation before.

Preparation can be sexy, and fun!

Create a Menu

I have mentioned this many times: I am an incredibly anxious person, especially in intimate social situations. If I anticipate a situation and feel like I don’t know what to expect, I get immediately hot and sweaty (in a bad way). 

I’m not alone in this, I’m sure. We’re all a bit anxious these days!

Instead, maybe consider giving yourself something fun to look forward to. Do you have a toy that you’ve just been wanting to try forever, but haven’t had a chance to use it on a partner? Propose creating a menu of toys and activities you’ve all enthusiastically into.

For example, lay out all your favorite toys, kink gear, and lingerie (if you’re not making that a knock-out surprise). Take a picture of it, and ask your partners to highlight the ones they want to try out. You’ll end up with a couple of surprise picks, but that’s where the fun is at!

Feel free to suggest your own favorites as well. I know I have a personal favorite toy that looks kind of boring from first glance, but packs a real wallop of a good time if you’re willing! Just be sure to properly sanitize these toys before using them on a new partner, or use a non-lubricated condom on a body-safe toy. 

If you’re into kink, this might be a great time to open up a kink/BDSM test and compare it with your two partners in crime. It doesn’t have to be a whole scene, but maybe you want to try integrating some of each other’s favorite kinks to keep things spicy.

Breathe. Seriously.

I can tell a lot of people are skimming through this section as quickly as possible, but hold up! I won’t keep you for long, but this one is an important one.

Breathe. Breathe deeply. Breathe during the planning, breathe as the flirtation begins, and breathe especially during the actual threesome.

Being connected to your body makes the whole experience so much more memorable. You’ll be able to really relax into the sensations that you’re sharing with others, and you’ll be hit with a kind of gratitude before. You’ll also be able to recognize when a partner might be a little less enthusiastic, or if someone needs to take a pause so that their soul may re-enter their body.

Keep yourself safe, but also keep your fuck friends safe too!

Get Ready, ‘Cause Here I Cum

If you can, take some time to prepare your body for this fun experience. Do what you need to do!

Do you feel like you need to crank one out before so that you don’t get overstimulated and climax too quickly? Do you need to apply any lubes or moisturizers to sensitive body parts? Maybe it’s been eight months since anyone has seen your junk, the pubic forest has grown a little wild and needs some manicuring.

Do whatever makes you feel good and hot! Take a nice shower, use your favorite soaps, and sing your favorite bad songs in the shower. Get dressed, and show yourself and your partners that you care.

Remember When I Said Breathe?

If this is the first time you’ve ever hooked up with more than one person at a time, you might be feeling a little awkward.

This is to be expected! It’s an entirely new experience, and that can be a little destabilizing. Take the time to breathe again, recognize that you’re surrounded by people who find you hot as hell and want to make you feel good. 

If you do find yourself overwhelmed, take a breather. Don’t be afraid to stomp the breaks if you’re feeling really upset, uncomfortable, or feeling disoriented.

Three’s a Party

Some of my favorite things about threesomes is that the sexy momentum can always continue, even if one person needs to get some air or have a snack.

You might be someone who needs some physical space after climaxing, while your boyfriend doesn’t and would prefer to jump back in for round two (or three… or five). With three partners, you can tap out while someone else jumps in, eager to get themselves off.

If you’re someone who’s also testing out power dynamics, three people is an ideal number for testing those out! Have you always been somewhat of a submissive, but want to try dominating someone? A third person gives a wonderful and playful scenario. Maybe you can show a more stubborn partner just how well behaved your other pet is. Or you might be into finally humiliating your friend who always teases you with the enthusiastic support of his hot girlfriend?

Whatever your flavor of fun, you’ve got more than enough options at your disposal!

So Long, Farewell, auf Wiedersehen, Adieu!

Once the party is over, and each member has their fill of debauchery, how do you want the event to end? If you can, make it clear to everyone before they come over.

Did you expect someone to sleep over, only to see your kinky comrades preparing to leave mere moments after?

This is especially important for couples inviting another person into their bed. If you throw out your third person without any discussion beforehand, that’s pretty low. Not only is it impolite or dangerous if it’s late at night, but this person will end up feeling like a virtual blow-up doll!

You really want everyone feeling physically and mentally fulfilled after an intense sex marathon.

Slide Into Their DMs

Once you’ve recovered and rehydrated in your own space, send both people a shared message.

If you’ve enjoyed yourself, communicate that, and don’t be afraid to be honest. It’s a great time to open up and share what your favorite parts were. Ask them what their favorite moments were, and you’ll likely be surprised by their responses. (Or maybe you won’t. I don’t know what you guys’ did!)

Give everyone time to emotionally process, and if you want to set up another three-way erotic picnic… do it! Don’t be bummed out if it’s only a one-time thing either. For some people, it’s a fun experience to check off their bucket list, and for others, it becomes their new normal. 

 


 

Clearly, human connection is important, and the last hellish year has only made that truth more obvious. If you’ve got the chance to be safe and hook up with other enthusiastic cuties, feel free to do it despite the nerves. Follow your pleasure!

And who knows, maybe these people will become your regular boredom response team in the fight against the apocalypse! 

Enjoy.