Rule 34.
Utter those words to any internet-savvy millennial or zoomer, and you’re sure to receive a knowing smirk in return. Rule 34 is a meme that states “if it exists, there’s pornography of it”. We live in a time where it’s easier to find pornography of famous characters from beloved franchises than ever. Rule 34 reigns supreme in 2023!
These porn parodies aren’t unique in their conception. No, they come from a long line of proud porn parodies. They say imitation is the most sincere form of flattery, right?
So, why am I talking about porn parodies if I don’t even like them? Well, I’ve conducted an experiment: I picked a selection of infamous porn parodies and watched them.
Shall We Netflix and Chill?
“Congrats Zack! You’re watching porn on the job!”
Okay, so my first question: who are these even meant for? Not to yuck your yum, but if you’re someone who does enjoy porn parodies, let me know!
Seriously, I want to know why. Like, is it like erotic fanfiction, where the characters have become so familiar to the reader that it feels natural to read about the Doctor boinking? I’m curious!
First, Let’s Take Out the Trash:
Seinfeld XXX
As someone in my 30s who loves comedy, this seemed like a perfect selection. Heck, at first glance, this looks legit! Our Seinfeld stands on stage in his trademark white sneakers, imitating the trademark Seinfeld shrill voice in the most milk toast way.
Have you ever been trapped at an open mic night where you’re eagerly praying for the universe to end your pain? It feels like that, only I’m going to have to watch this dude fuck after he bombs on stage.
As I wonder if the main character is going to keep the sneakers on while he fucks, I suddenly realize why he looks familiar.
You see, our Seinfeld is played by James Deen. Needless to say, he’s a bad dude. If you want to read more about the allegations, be careful! They’re bad. I don’t want to get too into the details now, but he’s a Bad Guy who has assaulted other porn stars in awful ways.
So sadly, despite the characters looking pretty spot on, I’m going to have to pass on this parody. Not only is there a glaring issue of James Deen, but it’s also the least funny parody of the bunch… and it’s parodying comedy! What a tragedy.
RATING: 0/5 Buttplugs and puffy pirate shirts.
Edward Penishands
If you’re an adult on the internet, you’ve no doubt seen the cursed memes that involve Edward Penishands, the porn parody of the famous Tim Burton classic, Edward Scissorhands.
Imagine everything you love about Edward Scissorhands: the innocence, the whimsy, the uncomfortable pauses. Edward Penishands has nothing but the awkward pauses.
Personally, this movie embodies everything I dislike about porn from the 1990s. From the awful angles, the awkward random diagonal cameras, and the weird tongue action I just felt more nauseous than engaged.
This movie disappointed me the most out of the three, it didn’t really have any plot and ended in a strange way for something that involved.
RATING: 1/5 Dildo digits.
The Best of the Rest:
Game of Bones 2: Winter Came Everywhere
With all the excitement from the latest season of House of Dragons, I wanted to explore the source material: Game of Bones. HBO’s golden goose is famous for lusty scenes and truly thirsty cinematography, so I was apprehensive that the porn parody could improve on it at all.
Boy was I wrong.
I jumped straight into the sequel for one reason only: the run time. I’m not a big Game of Thrones fan, so the idea of watching a full-length film was too much for me to handle. Frankly, I was worried about what a pornified “red wedding” scene would look like!
The first thing that surprised me? Somehow, it is hilarious. It’s not cringey, holy shit! It’s just genuinely a bunch of hot people who enjoy joking around with beloved (aged-up) characters while also titillating the audience.
Don’t believe me? Here’s a short collection of my favorite quotes from the 30-minute episode!
- “Is this the dildo you used to kill my father?”
How did the dildo kill her father? This is intriguing and now I’m interested in their backstory. - “Bran saw you do it, and he’s a creepy psychic birdman now.”
Excellent. Just fantastic. - The characters break the fourth wall by admitting, “Hmm, well this is a porno!”
- Stop it, I want more.
- “Areola’s disguised as a dildo?”
This scene has to be watched. Please, seek it out and watch it. - “The white wankers are coming!”
Whoever wrote this deserves an award for the dialogue! It’s quippy and funny without totally taking me out of the mood. The characters are making stupid jokes, but they’re maintaining their hotness (clearly with some sex magic).
Speaking of sex, let’s get to it! There are two sex scenes in the episode, and while they didn’t knock my socks off, they’re still pretty solid! Obviously, there’s one where the “MILF of Dragons” is fucking her barbarian husband. (Classic.)
FUN FACT: George R.R. Martin has reviewed the series before and has mentioned he finds it ironic that the pornos avoid elements that are too “dirty”.
I’m removing one point for the fact that the MILF of Dragons is wearing a GREY T-SHIRT BRA. What? No loincloth? No nipple pasties made out of dragon scales? Boo! My immersion!
RATING: 4/5 Areolas disguised as a dildo
Pirates (2005)
Listen, I was a teen in the early 2000s. I am only mildly ashamed to admit that I was a massive fan of Pirates of the Caribbean. It gave me a level of gender euphoria that was so intense, I started wearing dark black liner and debated getting a sword.
So let me be the first to admit this: oh my god. OH MY GOD.
2005’s Pirates is a porn parody that feels like a big-budget movie with a plot and real sex scenes. It feels like a Harlequin romance only on the silver screen!
There’s an element here that I’ve not really seen in most pornography, especially porn parodies that seem to favor the parody element as a gimmick. No, Pirates seems to actually want to submerge itself in the full vibe of the era. From the music to the cinematography, it feels like you can get lost in the story.
The CGI is really weak, but considering this was 2005, I’m alright with it. It’s campy and funny but doesn’t necessarily break the immersion. The cinematography is actually really decent and reminds me of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
The actors are really doing their best, but at times I feel like they’re delivering their lines like a shy 4th grader in a production of James and the Giant Peach. The worst, I thought, was the actor who played Captain Edward. (He’s the guy who looks like God mixed Fabio with a Pilsner.) I feel so bad admitting it but his acting was as wooden as a peg leg.
Or so I thought.
In a moment, Captain Edward switches from being a proper captain to suddenly being a man who admitted to not having a clue how to be a captain. He was a man obsessed with hunting pirates, even though he admits “I can’t hunt pirates, I can’t even hunt tuna!”. BRILLIANT.
My favorite moment was when Captain Edward is being seduced by bawdy wenches who want nothing more than to sleep with him. As they’re giving him drinks and trying to hypnotize him with sexuality, the women begin to make out with each other.
Friends, do you know what our pirate-obsessed Captain exclaims out loud? “They’re kissing with their tongues!”. This being said IN A PORNO. This man has titties resting on his cheekbones, and he just wants to talk pirates and boats. Wenches begone!
The sex scenes are a bit vanilla for me. With the period-appropriate background music and setting, it kind of feels like I’m watching the History Channel after dark. They’re almost romantic in feeling, especially when two female pirates decide to fuck each other with lit candle sticks.
I mean, what’s more romantic than a candlelight dinner?
RATING: 4/5 Candlesticks
Conclusion
Ok, I’ll admit it. Some porn parodies are actually hilarious, genuinely funny, and enjoyable to watch. There are some clearly dedicated actors and writers involved, who are passionate about bringing sexy and funny movies to the screen.
Am I now a fanboy for porn parodies, plastering their posters all over my room like a college student with too much disposable income? No.
Am I recommending friends to watch some of my favorites just for a giggle? YOU BET.
In fact, I ended up having a watch party with my closest friends and they agree… Game of Bones 2 is a gift to humanity.