Is love really all we need?
Sometimes it feels like the only thing that matters in life is romantic love. All the movies, music, and books revolve around falling in love. When you’re young, there’s pressure to declare your first crush, get your first kiss, and find your first girlfriend, boyfriend or lover. Then, the pressure to get married and have kids comes, and before you know it, it feels like there must be something wrong with you if you’re single.
But something that we don’t acknowledge enough is that being single, and staying single for a good chunk of time, can be really beneficial. Essential, even, to really thrive in life. I would go so far as to say that if you haven’t been single since you started dating, you should make it a priority.
Not that you should break up with whoever you’re with right now to do it, but the odds are pretty good that you’ll need at least one single phase before you can really feel fully satisfied in life.
That might sound a bit harsh, but there’s good reason for it.
It’s about time
What leads to a fulfilling life?
The answer will be different for everyone, but most people will have some combination of purposeful work, meaningful friendships, strong familial bonds, restorative time with oneself, maintaining one’s body, having fun, learning new skills and challenging one’s mind. Romance is usually also thrown into the mix, and when you think about it, that’s a big mix.
How much of your time should be allocated to romance? That depends on how much you want romance to overlap with everything else. Some people want their partners to accompany them through everything, others prefer little to no overlap. For most people, you’ll want to spend a good amount of your time and energy building up other areas of your life. It’s ok if romance isn’t your top priority.
Balance isn’t necessarily about portioning out all of these elements evenly throughout every day. That rarely works. What tends to work better is to have times when one element becomes a bigger focus, then another, and then another. Sometimes romance takes center stage, but it’s unsustainable to keep it there forever.
When romance takes over
It might be unsustainable, but that doesn’t mean we don’t try to keep romance at the center stage. We date one person until the excitement fades, then find someone else to fall for, and we go on like that, swinging from relationship to relationship nonstop. Often overlapping, sometimes consensually.
But what happens when we do this? We wake up one day, after many years of repeating this pattern, realising we have little to show for it. Career? What career? Friendships? Long gone, or never nurtured. Skills, interest,s and hobbies? Never pursued.
Not everyone takes it to this extreme, but many do. The pattern resembles an addiction, and in some cases, it absolutely is an addiction.
Addicted to love
Love releases all sorts of addictive neurochemicals, and when it’s gone, we often have trouble feeling good without it. To make matters worse, it’s also common to drink on dates and then drink when we go through breakups. Alcohol makes it easier to convince yourself you’re in love with someone, easier to make the first move, and easier to cope with tough emotions if it all crumbles.
But even without alcohol thrown in, love can be addictive. Many people will sacrifice their own well-being for the sake of their beloved. They may spend all of their time or money or emotional resources in doing what they think is good for the relationship, only to then find out it wasn’t enough.
When love goes sour, often the pain of the heart break is too overwhelming to cope with, and the solution is to find more love asap. Sometimes we fear loneliness so much that we cheat so that we always have a backup. This isn’t the best strategy either.
What’s wrong with being alone?
But why is being single so intolerable? The truth is that it isn’t – unless you have shit to work on.
Now, we all have shit to work on. Self-improvement is great and never-ending. But the kind of self-work that makes the single life so intolerable usually has to do with self-worth and self-confidence. Or it’s about distracting yourself from whatever problems you find insurmountable. When you know and love yourself and take care of life’s challenges, it’s not painful to be with yourself.
Too often, we use relationships to distract ourselves from our pain. Or to make up for what we can’t find within ourselves. That’s not love. It’s often mistaken for love, though, and it usually takes a while for us to even figure out that that’s what we’re doing. Along the way, we hurt each other without even realising it.
Why do we prioritise romance?
A few years ago, I wrote about The Capitalism of Love, and in it I talk about the scarcity mindset.
We are taught that love is rare; that when you find someone who loves you, you should hold onto it with everything you’ve got because it may be the only chance you get at happiness. So even if you love yourself and feel confident, you might not be so confident in your ability to find someone new to love.
How sad is that?
Yes, it’s sad, but many of us have accepted that idea as fact. Believing that it is rare makes us do all sorts of crazy things in the name of love. We thrive when we have an abundance of love in our lives, and when we believe that it might be taken away at any moment, never to return, we end up prioritising it above all else.
This mindset not only tends to push away the people we want to hold close, but it also sets the stage for everything else in our lives to fall apart. Holding love too tightly is a sure way to kill it. But giving up and doing nothing practically ensures you’ll never have it. And finding that sweet spot in the middle is a lot easier said than done.
Love: the greatest excuse
There is this idea that love is powerful, all-consuming, and beyond our control. Love “makes” us do all sorts of things, and therefore it has become the best excuse for poor behaviour. We cheat on perfectly lovely people because our love for someone else was just “too strong”. Or we hide important details in order to “protect” the ones we love.
We even use relationships to blame others for our shortcomings. When we fail to pursue our dreams, build our skills, or support our health, we often blame love and all the drama attached to it for the reason why nothing ever works.
“I never work out because my partner doesn’t work out.” Or, “I never took that course because so-and-so wouldn’t take it with me.” We use partners as scapegoats and then resent them for it. When our self-loathing becomes too great, we move on to a new lover. Again, this isn’t what love is all about and if you find yourself doing this, you probably need to take a good look in the mirror.
The gender gap in love
Decentering men has been a trendy topic for the last few years in feminist circles, and for good reason. Those of us assigned female and socialised that way are taught to prioritise relationships, especially romantic ones with men, above all else. Not only that, but there is also a cultural emphasis on centering men at work, in entertainment, in history…pretty much everywhere.
It’s to the point where most women will unconsciously prioritise men’s desires above their own needs. Not good. We should all be the main characters in our own lives. Sure, be sensitive to and considerate of others, but not at your own expense. It’s your job to take care of yourself. Others can help, but it’s up to you to make sure your needs are met.
Decentering men has led many women to reinvest in their female friendships and to really build up their female community, improving their own resilience and happiness. Women, having been an oppressed identity for millennia, have a lot to gain from this shift in emphasis, but everyone can benefit from increasing their investment in friendships and social networks. Decentering romance can bring balance into anyone’s life and these pioneering women have a lot of advice on how to do that.
How can we benefit from being single?
Being single gives you the opportunity to be quiet with yourself. Quiet enough that you can hear whatever your inner voice is trying to tell you. Without the distraction of chasing and pleasing, you’ll have more energy and caring that you can give to yourself. You can take off your armour and let it all out.
Possibly better than that, is that without someone else around, you get less confused about what you actually enjoy. You’re not caught up in someone else’s emotions, so you can fully feel your own. Once you’ve reconnected with yourself, then you’re better able to see what you want to invite into your life.
And then, when you know what you want, you can go after it! Get the career you always wanted, build a network of friendships and connections that support the kind of life you want to live. Once you’ve figured out all the other stuff in your life, romance becomes the cherry on the top, and you won’t be tempted to compromise your own values for the sake of love.
Easy to love
Taking the time to work towards the life you want is always worth the investment. Romance can often be a distraction from that, especially if your self-worth could use a boost.
Focus on being the version of you that you truly and profoundly love. Once you’ve got that, everything else becomes more enjoyable, you’ll attract the right kind of person who truly values you for you, and nurturing the kind of relationship(s) you want becomes a whole lot easier.
Now, go ahead and get to know yourself. Release what you need to release, work towards your dreams, and discover all the things you love about yourself! You’re worth the effort.