As long as we’ve had photographic capability, men have been snapping pics of their dicks. Flashing these pics at unsuspecting women, or even consenting adults of all kinds, has a long and often contentious history.
While not all dick pics are meant to entice the receiver, most of them certainly are trying to elicit some sort of response. But is it enough to simply point and shoot?
Relying heavily on the pioneering work of Madeleine Holden, founder of CritiqueMyDickPic.com ( RIP ), let’s lay the groundwork to ensure your efforts are seen and appreciated.
Practical Dick Pic Tips Based on Hundreds of Reviews from CritiqueMyDickPic.com
CritiqueMyDickPic.com, now archived here was a magical place on the internet. Created on the heels of PostSecret.com (a blog where people would send in postcards with secrets on them in beautiful, artistic ways, but also not-at-all artistic, as well).
This Tumblr blog would critique dick pics as one would high art, elevating the practice to a creative discipline and assigning each one a letter grade in the great school of dick pics. You could scroll for days.
More dick pics than any one person likely would ever see in any previous time in history. Only divas like Cher could have received as many. And they ranged from a blurry, low-res peeks-down-the-trousers in a small, harshly lit bathroom, to professional photography-grade black and whites, with top-shelf composition and style. There were costumed dicks, natural dicks, hard and soft, big and small, of every size, shape and colour. I even saw some strap-on dildo pics and prosthetic dicks. I loved it.
Sadly, we lost this internet gem in 2018 when Tumblr banned adult content. As the world tumbled into chaos mere months later, we lost one of the greatest coping mechanisms we had for unsolicited dick pics. I’m not saying keeping it afloat would have saved us from COVID, but it certainly would have improved the experience of lockdown.
There were a few broad pieces of advice, often repeated in critiques:
Zoom out
A hastily shot dick pic is often just the dick. But every sender knows that the dick is attached to a human, and they want to get a sense for the whole package. Get a bit more distance from the star of the show and let the supporting actors do their job.
If you zoom out a little, then suddenly we get to see a bit more body, more emotion, more of the mood. It’s a bit more daring, and maybe that’s part of why it’s hot.
If you trust the receiver not to leak the pics, zoom out even more and show the look on your face to set the mood even more. Play with angles! For example, low angles can be suggestive in a sexy way, while downward ones can put more emphasis on your body.
Declutter
So, you’ve zoomed out, but the space you’re in looks like a war zone. It’s worth tidying up a bit. At least in the visible area.
Cleaning your space not only signals that you’re a full adult capable of taking care of yourself ( and them! ), but it also subtly reduces anxiety. When our visual field is cluttered, we get a bit stressed out, and that isn’t really helpful when you want your sender to be in the mood.
Plus, you’ll feel better in a cleaner space. Might as well use this as an excuse, if you need one!
Use your hands
A top tip that may not be on your radar is to use your hands. Hands are sexy, especially when they look capable. A well-placed hand can suggest movement, and we love to be suggestive.
Grip your dick, pull on your clothes, or grope your butt.
Hands are so expressive, and the right pose can take your pic from mildly interesting to dripping wet with seductiveness.
Work with lighting
A single bathroom light above your head is a tricky vibe to pull off. Diffused, soft lighting tends to be easier to work with, but if it’s too dark, no one’s impressed. You want to be able to see something!
Natural light, especially during golden hour (sunrise or sunset) is usually a safe bet. The warmth of the colors are also much sexier than a cold bathroom light.
Another quite flattering lighting tip that’s been used by master painters of yore and still in use today in the arts and photography is what is referred to as “studio lighting” or “three-quarters portrait lighting”.
This may sound intimidating, but it’s actually quite simple. You want a top-down
diagonal lighting in a way that lights 3/4 of your body. This highlights every bit of you in the best way, outlines curves and muscles and just makes everything pop in the best way. One easy way to achieve this is to stand under a light and just move slightly backwards and to the side until 1/4 of you is in the shadows.
Entire careers are built on good lighting. Give yourself the superstar treatment and light it up!
Avoid the dreaded “log photo”
A log is just as it sounds: when the photo is just a straight-on shot of the length.
If nothing else is going on to add interest, it’s not worth sending. It may be a picture of your genitals, but sex appeal is so much more than that. Arousal is deeply psychological.
But if you’ve followed all the above advice, you should be off to the races!
Tell a story. Invite us in!
Check your motivations ( Don’t be a Dick )
If not all dick pics are meant to turn on the receiver (as alluded to above), what’s the motivation?
Well, as with other forms of sexual violence, sometimes explicit pictures are sent in order to intimidate, punish or dominate the receiver.
Sending a nude that wasn’t wanted is like showing up super late when you know the person waiting for you will suffer as a result. It signals that you have no respect for the receiver’s boundaries or personhood. It’s mean, it’s a power play, and 100% not sexy.
However, other motivations are a lot more focused on the sender’s insecurities.
Sex and intimacy are powerful forces that men are typically discouraged from exploring in positive ways. Men are told that they’re unsexy monsters that women tolerate. Some men got used to that dynamic and fetishised it. Others are simply hoping for validation and approval. It’s hard to put yourself out there. It’s easier to do it if the whole thing is over quickly.
That said, thirst traps can be incredible gifts!
There’s something to be said for a well-crafted image. Capture the right feeling, and it can serve as sexy inspiration for a lifetime. If the receiver is enthusiastically affirming their desire to see one, you don’t want to disappoint them, do you? I mean, lovers are known to be wildly forgiving, but wouldn’t you rather really impress them?
Sexuality is seen as private and, to some, sacred. Sending a nude image of the body parts no one else gets to see should be exciting, alluring or at the very least, novel.
This is an opportunity to show a side of you that no one else gets to see.
This can be done either by contrast. Like showing how strong and powerful you are, when day to day you’re quite shy and bookish; or, if you’re quite rugged, showing a little tenderness.
Are you into certain kinks? Particular fantasies? Or are you longing to be seen stripped down and raw?
Bring out those hidden elements and take control of the narrative by creating an image that YOU think is sexy. Turn yourself on. Be the dick you want to see in the world!
We also love a capable dick.
Are you an artist? Pose with your paintings, or with your other instruments! Wear a uniform at work? Open it up! Your intended lover has seen you at the gym? But they haven’t yet seen the FULL FLEX!
Oftentimes, what makes a dick pic unimpressive is that nothing is new. There’s no secret being revealed. No added value. It’s just your regular day-to-day self with your dick out. Dare to expose a little vulnerability with all that skin. Be unapologetically yourself and take a risk.
EVERYONE can turn on the sexy
There is this persistent idea that only certain bodies are sexy. I, and many others, disagree.
Every kind of body can turn on the sexy if they can find it within themselves and bring it out. Because of the way we’ve internalised hierarchies of attraction, some people will have a harder time finding their inner sex deity. But that doesn’t mean it’s not there. Find it. Feel it. Be it.
Moreover, pretty much everyone agrees that women are sexy, but far fewer say men are sexy. This is not because they’re not.
It is because we sexualise women far more, prioritise male perspectives and suppress homosexuality. But men can definitely be sexy. Penises can be sexy. A large portion of the world finds men irresistibly sexy. You just have to embody your authentic brand of sexy.
Even if you never send it, it is worthwhile to do your body justice in photographic form.
Finding your sexy is a superskill you can develop, and it starts with looking at yourself and finding something to love. Something that makes you think, “Damn! Look at me!”. The right angles and lighting can do wonders for your self-esteem.
Give it a try!
Explicit thirst traps as activism
The reviews on CritiqueMyDickPic served multiple very valuable functions.
First off, most women at the time were inundated with unsolicited dick pics and didn’t really know what to do about it.
Gone were the days of staying totally silent and fearful, but aggressive responses didn’t always feel safe either. Receiving them often felt threatening, and, in some cases, was. This blog allowed us to band together and turn lemons into lemonade.
Second, this was the only body-positive movement I can think of that centred men.
Body positivity among women was already going strong when this blog arrived, but men were still holding onto a lot of internalised body shame. This sit, as a rule, didn’t shame bodies. It allowed you to send in the body part you were most insecure about and have it be normalised. Only judged on artistic merit. Many people, not just men, really benefited from this.
You might think this site upheld patriarchal gender norms, but it didn’t. There were trans dicks, prosthetic dicks, and strap-on dicks. Married dicks, single dicks and professional dicks. This wave of body positivity that centred men, but included everyone, was a special corner of the internet for a time, and its absence has left a gap.
Openly teaching people how to create effective thirst traps is good for everyone.
It’s good for the receivers who get to have a sexy gift, and it’s good for the senders who can learn to love their bodies and build confidence through photography. It helps us to connect and appreciate each other, and perhaps even to release some pent-up sexual frustration without hurting anybody.
Consent is sexy, and so are you
Remember: the person you’re sending it to is (and should be) someone who has consented to receiving your erotic art.
They like YOU, so show off your body, not just your disembodied dick. Get your hands involved to add a sense of action and desire. Honour the sexy body that has been with you through a lifetime of experience. Your lifetime. Each body is a unique gift we can share with others if we (and they) choose to.
The best dick pic experiences I’ve had were forewarned.
Approach dick pics as you would any other sexual interaction. Dirty talk rules help: tell them what you want to do, what you’re doing and what you did.
ex. I want to show you how turned on I am
ex. do you want to see how hard I am right now?
ex. You made me wet — want to see?
For more specific guidelines and examples of what makes a really excellent dick pic, please check out the archive for CritiqueMyDickPic.com. It is obviously NSFW adult content, and I highly recommend it.